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Feb. 18th, 2010 12:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
just2handsDiary entry, February 18, 2010.
Are we dating?
We can't be dating.
A bike ride or two isn't a date. Bringing him home to meet the family for the holidays? Perfectly normal. Meeting at the beach to enjoy lunch together - friends do things like that all the time! And he is a friend, one I've grown to care a lot about. One I've grown to trust. He's solid, someone I can lean on, or - I could if I needed to. I think. He's kind of like a mountain, steadfast, strong, honest to a fault. Gentlemanly. He doesn't pull punches, he calls things like they are. Calls me out on my nonsense, on those occasions that I start getting foolish. He's very common sense, very down to earth. Very real.
But sometimes? He's so very alien to me as well. It's as if he's somewhere far beyond my thought process. I catch him occasionally looking at a person or a thing, and he doesn't blink - his black eyes... and when he turns in my direction there is something in his gaze, so cold and predatory - I've never seen anyone, anything like it before. It chills me to the bone. I never even knew what that saying meant, until I met Mike. But - I've looked at pictures on line. Pictures of psychopaths, pictures of killers. None of them, not a single one, has eyes like his. It gives me goosebumps just to be near him then, and I never, ever want him to look at me like that. There is no mercy in those eyes, no remorse.
And then something snaps, and it's just him again. Mike, the biker from Texas, the southern gentleman who can play pool, and enjoys the ocean, and rides a Harley... and is so very wonderful to be with, so good to be around. I feel, wow. When I'm with him I just feel protected, like nothing could ever get to me, nothing could hurt me while he was there. I feel cared for. Comfortable. He's someone I can confide in, and go riding with and just enjoy the silence between us. Someone I can go sailing with and simply enjoy being out on the ocean beside him. My friend. My friend who got me the most wonderful miniature roses and an adorable teddy bear for Valentines' Day! SO CUTE! And we are going on another ride as well!
But - you don't kiss your friends the way he kissed me. The way he kisses me. And... the way I want him to kiss me. You don't think about your friends as often as I think about him. The way I think about him. You don't find reasons to message them, or call them, or find yourself drifting off while studying and start daydreaming about them. You just don't do that with friends!
So if he's not a friend, what is he?
He can't be more than a friend, I won't let this become more than a friendship. I can't! Anything else would be a distraction. And I refuse to be distracted now, when I'm so close to obtaining my Doctorate. I will not break my promises, and I won't be distracted by a, a, a distraction!
So he is a friend. He has to be a friend. I can handle that. He's a friend who I can talk to, and lean on, and listen to, and want to be with a lot... a friend to go walking with, and out to eat or watch movies with and... and maybe kiss. Ok, definitely kiss.
But that doesn't mean we're dating, right? Friends don't date. No, of course not.
Are we dating?
We can't be dating.
A bike ride or two isn't a date. Bringing him home to meet the family for the holidays? Perfectly normal. Meeting at the beach to enjoy lunch together - friends do things like that all the time! And he is a friend, one I've grown to care a lot about. One I've grown to trust. He's solid, someone I can lean on, or - I could if I needed to. I think. He's kind of like a mountain, steadfast, strong, honest to a fault. Gentlemanly. He doesn't pull punches, he calls things like they are. Calls me out on my nonsense, on those occasions that I start getting foolish. He's very common sense, very down to earth. Very real.
But sometimes? He's so very alien to me as well. It's as if he's somewhere far beyond my thought process. I catch him occasionally looking at a person or a thing, and he doesn't blink - his black eyes... and when he turns in my direction there is something in his gaze, so cold and predatory - I've never seen anyone, anything like it before. It chills me to the bone. I never even knew what that saying meant, until I met Mike. But - I've looked at pictures on line. Pictures of psychopaths, pictures of killers. None of them, not a single one, has eyes like his. It gives me goosebumps just to be near him then, and I never, ever want him to look at me like that. There is no mercy in those eyes, no remorse.
And then something snaps, and it's just him again. Mike, the biker from Texas, the southern gentleman who can play pool, and enjoys the ocean, and rides a Harley... and is so very wonderful to be with, so good to be around. I feel, wow. When I'm with him I just feel protected, like nothing could ever get to me, nothing could hurt me while he was there. I feel cared for. Comfortable. He's someone I can confide in, and go riding with and just enjoy the silence between us. Someone I can go sailing with and simply enjoy being out on the ocean beside him. My friend. My friend who got me the most wonderful miniature roses and an adorable teddy bear for Valentines' Day! SO CUTE! And we are going on another ride as well!
But - you don't kiss your friends the way he kissed me. The way he kisses me. And... the way I want him to kiss me. You don't think about your friends as often as I think about him. The way I think about him. You don't find reasons to message them, or call them, or find yourself drifting off while studying and start daydreaming about them. You just don't do that with friends!
So if he's not a friend, what is he?
He can't be more than a friend, I won't let this become more than a friendship. I can't! Anything else would be a distraction. And I refuse to be distracted now, when I'm so close to obtaining my Doctorate. I will not break my promises, and I won't be distracted by a, a, a distraction!
So he is a friend. He has to be a friend. I can handle that. He's a friend who I can talk to, and lean on, and listen to, and want to be with a lot... a friend to go walking with, and out to eat or watch movies with and... and maybe kiss. Ok, definitely kiss.
But that doesn't mean we're dating, right? Friends don't date. No, of course not.
