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Feb. 16th, 2010 03:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
just2handsDiary, December something, 2009
It's gotten so lonely here. Everyone gone, everyone readying for war, nothing for me to do except study (and I have, believe me I have) and clean or cook, and throw uneaten food in the fridge and reheat it in hopes that someone comes home in time to eat it before I have to throw it out and make more. Haven't left the house really since the hospital incident... the hospital incident.
The hospital. All those people. Those children! So many I couldn't save, so much I wasn't able to; and in the end? Even I had to be rescued. Even I - may God someday forgive me - even I picked up a gun, and aimed, shot at someone. I killed someone.
I can't help but think over and over that these monsters, these vampires - that they too are, or used to be human. Or are they are still human, only sick; some sort of weird epidemic, some sort of mass-insanity perhaps? I cannot for the life of me truly believe that living corpses exist, that a corpse can be animated to walk and talk. It has to be something else, some mutated virus perhaps? Something that mimics the Hollywood stereotype of vampirism so much that it was simply easier to call it that.
I've been watching too much 'Zombieland', or maybe it was '28 Days'. But what else can the logical mind call it? What else can it truly be? Still, virus or not, the results are both brutal and horrifying. Monstrous.
Hellish.
Whatever it is, whatever they are; I still can't ... I shot at them. Might have killed one, perhaps two? I DON'T KNOW!
All I've ever wanted was to heal! To help if I could. And now I have blood, someone's blood on my hands. I am the worse kind of hypocrite; a doctor who kills. And I can still feel the weight of the gun in my hand, I can still... oh God, I feel so damned lost!
And I don't know who to turn to, who to talk to now. Not anymore. I'd talk to Neph, but she's not here either. She was smart, she got out while she could. While we could. Or maybe I wouldn't, she's so young, too young to bear the weight of my burden. Not fair to her either.
Miss her. An' I'm glad she's gone, her and Anya. I'd hate them to be stuck in this.
And the rest of my family here? Nooo, no. They have other problems, bigger problems. Besides, what could I say? What can I say? They are fighting for their lives, for my life. For the lives of other human beings, those that aren't fighting; and those that can't fight.
No, the last thing I want to do is to drag them down and give them more to worry about. They need to concentrate, and I promised that I would be a help, not a hindrance.
I'm, I've been trying to justify it, believe me. There were lives at stake; That lady Selene, those babies, even Mike... lives at stake.
I should never have picked up that gun. What good is my word, my oath now? But is my oath worth more than another person's life? Or the lives of other innocent people, or worth the lives of the ones fighting to save theirs? To save my life?
I'm so confused now, so - feels like I'm torn. I've torn myself into little bitty pieces. Everything I knew, everything I ever believed, about humanity, and about myself.
That's me, that's me inside. I'm just a bundle of rags all tattered and worn, blowing in the wind.
It's gotten so lonely here. Everyone gone, everyone readying for war, nothing for me to do except study (and I have, believe me I have) and clean or cook, and throw uneaten food in the fridge and reheat it in hopes that someone comes home in time to eat it before I have to throw it out and make more. Haven't left the house really since the hospital incident... the hospital incident.
The hospital. All those people. Those children! So many I couldn't save, so much I wasn't able to; and in the end? Even I had to be rescued. Even I - may God someday forgive me - even I picked up a gun, and aimed, shot at someone. I killed someone.
I can't help but think over and over that these monsters, these vampires - that they too are, or used to be human. Or are they are still human, only sick; some sort of weird epidemic, some sort of mass-insanity perhaps? I cannot for the life of me truly believe that living corpses exist, that a corpse can be animated to walk and talk. It has to be something else, some mutated virus perhaps? Something that mimics the Hollywood stereotype of vampirism so much that it was simply easier to call it that.
I've been watching too much 'Zombieland', or maybe it was '28 Days'. But what else can the logical mind call it? What else can it truly be? Still, virus or not, the results are both brutal and horrifying. Monstrous.
Hellish.
Whatever it is, whatever they are; I still can't ... I shot at them. Might have killed one, perhaps two? I DON'T KNOW!
All I've ever wanted was to heal! To help if I could. And now I have blood, someone's blood on my hands. I am the worse kind of hypocrite; a doctor who kills. And I can still feel the weight of the gun in my hand, I can still... oh God, I feel so damned lost!
And I don't know who to turn to, who to talk to now. Not anymore. I'd talk to Neph, but she's not here either. She was smart, she got out while she could. While we could. Or maybe I wouldn't, she's so young, too young to bear the weight of my burden. Not fair to her either.
Miss her. An' I'm glad she's gone, her and Anya. I'd hate them to be stuck in this.
And the rest of my family here? Nooo, no. They have other problems, bigger problems. Besides, what could I say? What can I say? They are fighting for their lives, for my life. For the lives of other human beings, those that aren't fighting; and those that can't fight.
No, the last thing I want to do is to drag them down and give them more to worry about. They need to concentrate, and I promised that I would be a help, not a hindrance.
I'm, I've been trying to justify it, believe me. There were lives at stake; That lady Selene, those babies, even Mike... lives at stake.
I should never have picked up that gun. What good is my word, my oath now? But is my oath worth more than another person's life? Or the lives of other innocent people, or worth the lives of the ones fighting to save theirs? To save my life?
I'm so confused now, so - feels like I'm torn. I've torn myself into little bitty pieces. Everything I knew, everything I ever believed, about humanity, and about myself.
That's me, that's me inside. I'm just a bundle of rags all tattered and worn, blowing in the wind.
